Marry by all means
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep
her.
Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t
face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a
bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas
The great question… Which I have not been able to answer… Is, “What does
a woman want?
Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous
“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a
restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and
dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
Henry Youngman
“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.”
Sam Kinison
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic
banking. It’s called marriage.”
James Holt McGavran
“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second
one didn’t.” Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit
it, 2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.
Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it
once…
Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous
A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have
mine.”
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!” Second Guy “You’re lucky, mine’s
still alive.”
The sensitive side of men
This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon as they settled down, the man leans over and whispers softly, “Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn’t quite ready for bye-byes yet.”
The wife takes the hint and says, “OK, but I have to use the bathroom first.”
So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone “Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?”
No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.
Her husband looks over and grunts “Clumsy bitch.”
Know your Facts
Most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England.
In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.
But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course as
” Sinko de Mayo.”
Chinese Proverbs
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man’s well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
THE YEAR’S BEST HEADLINES OF 2004:
Crack Found on Governor’s Daughter
[imagine that]!
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[no, really]?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[now that's taking things a bit far]!
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[what a guy]!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-so]!
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[see if that works any better than a fair trial]!
War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[you think]?
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[who would have thought]!
Enfield (London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something]!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
you mean there’s something stronger than duct tape]?
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge]!
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[weren't they fat enough]?
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is….
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that sign right?
In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER……
PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT
GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR
FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE
DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR
WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE
1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer’s field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN’T
WORK)
Santa Singh needed some money desperately. Banta tells him that if he
prays to Shivji in a temple, his prayers would surely be answered.
So Santa goes to a Shiva temple. The temple had a large Lord Shiva statue.
Santa closes his eyes, bows his head, joins his hands and says his prayer.
Santa: “Ho Jee tussee itne vadde ho. Itne mahan ho. Saannoo 100 rupayen
chahiye. Kripa karo.”
The priest sees Santa praying. He wants to help Santa but knows that a
Sikh will never accept the money. So he drops a 100-rupee note,from behind
the statue, so that Santa can not see him.
After Santa had said his prayers, and opens his eyes. He sees the note
and thinks that god has listened to his prayers. He takes the note and
goes away.
However he is back again next day for money. Now the priest is really
annoyed with Santa.
The Priest decides that he is not going to give any more money to Santa.
He changes the big Shivji statue with a smaller one of Ganapathi that day.
Once again Santa goes to the prayer room. However he does not notice the
difference. Santa closes his eyes, bows his head, joins his hands
and says his prayer.
Santa: “Ho Jee tussee itne vadde ho. Itne mahan ho. Ajj to saannoo 50
rupayen hi chahiye. Kirpa karo.”
After that he slowly opens his eyes and does not find any money. So he
lowers his demand a bit.
Santa: “O papa jee tussee itne vadde ho. Itne mahan ho. Asee 10 rupayen me
hi kaam chala lenge. Kirpa karo jee.”
Again he slowly opens his eyes and does not find any money. He slowly
raises his head and now notices the small Ganapathi statue. He carefully
looks left and then right, and then slowly moves a bit forward near the
statue.
Then he whispers to the statue: “Puttar, Papa kitthe hein ??!!
When everything comes in your way you’re in the wrong lane.
The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train.
Born free taxed to death.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film.
Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
It’s not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.
I love being a writer… what I can’t stand is the paperwork.
A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper trayand the blinking red light.
The hardest part of skating is the ice.
My phone number is 17. We got one of the early ones.
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot.The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
If you tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, he’ll believe you. But if you tell him a park bench has just been painted,he has to touch it to be sure.
If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
Beat the 5 O’clock rush, leave work at noon!
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
It’s not the fall that kills you. It’s the sudden stop at the end.
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino’s Law of Burnt Fingers
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.
Someday is not a day of the week.
This is Human Psychology based on farting….yes farting….
The Vain Person
One who loves the smell of his own farts.
The Amiable Person
One who loves the smell of other people’s farts.
The Proud Person
One who thinks his farts are exceptionable fine.
The Shy Person
One who releases silent farts then blushes.
The Imprudent Person
One who boldly farts out loud, and then laughs.
The Unfortunate Person
One who tries hard to fart, but shits instead.
The Scientific Person
One who farts frequently, but is truly concerned for the
environment.
The Nervous Person
One who stops in the middle of a fart.
The Honest Person
One who admitted he farted, but offers a good medical reason.
The Dishonest Person
One who farts but blames the dog.
The Foolish Person
One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.
The Thrifty Person
One who always has several farts in reserve.
The Anti-Social Person
One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.
The Strategic Person
One who conceals his farts with loud coughing.
The Sadistic Person
One who farts in bed and then fluffs the covers over his
bedmate.
The Intelligent Person
One who can determine from the smell of his neighbor’s fart,
precisely the latest food items consumed.
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A RHYME WITH
THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s empty and
so is your head.
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not.
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don’t take that paper bag off of your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I’m good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That’s why I always wake up screaming.
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe “Go To Hell.”
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime